| INTRODUCTION | A FAMOUS HISTORIAN England, 932 A.D. A kingdom divided. To the West, the Anglo-Saxons. To the East, the French. Above, nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland. In Guinard, Palace, and Difford, plague. In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, Essex and Kent, plague. In Mercia, and the two Anglias, plague, with a 50% chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour. Legend tells us of an extrodanairy leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom. A man with a vision, who gathered knights together in a Holy Quest. This man was Arthur, King of the Britains, for this was England!
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| Finland / Fisch Schlapping Dance |
ENSEMBLE Finland, Finland, Finland That's the country for me! (VARIOUS ANIMAL NOISES) MAYOR Finland is the country where we dance Finland is the country where we play Here in Finland boy and girl can find a true romance In traditional Scandinavian vay! ALL Schlip! Schlap! MAYOR Schlip-a-schlap-a vay ALL Schlip! Schlap! MAYOR Schlap away all day ALL Schlip! Schlap! MAYOR You simply can't go wrong Vith traditional fish-schlapping song ALL Finland, Finland, Finland MEN The country where I quite want to be SOLOIST 1 Pony trekking- SOLOIST 2 Or camping- ALL Or just watching TV Finland, Finland, Finland That's the country for me HISTORIAN (spoken) I said, 'England.' ENSEMBLE (spoken in tandem) What? Oh, sorry, sorry about that
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| Monks' Chant/ He Is Not Dead Yet |
MONKS Sacrosanctus Domine (WHAP) Pecavi ignoviunt (WHAP) Iuesus Christus Domine (WHAP) ROBIN MONKS Pax vobiscum venerunt
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| King Arthur's Song |
Arthur Stand aside, Mrs. Galahad while the Lady of the Lake and her Laker Girls welcome your son to my army. He blows his whistle The Laker Girls rush foward and pefrom a high-kicking Cheerleader routine for Arthur, ripping offf their dressers to revel Cheerleader gear. Arthur I am Arthur King of the Britions And we are seeking men who are able. And so we're recruiting Dennis To sit at our very, very, very, round table. Ready? GIRLS OK! K.I.N. G.A.R. T.H. U.R. Arthur K.I.N. G.A.R. T.H. U.R. Arthur Arthur King Arthur King The biggest and the coolest thing Arthur Who's the King? GIRLS U.R. Arthur Who's the King? GIRLS U.R. Who is next to enlist? PATSY Who is? BOTH Dennis GIRLS/PATSY The Lady of the Lake will make him a man Arthur/Patsy Who will it be? GIRLS GALAHAD Mother D
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| He Is Not Dead Yet |
ROBIN (spoken) Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! LANCE (spoken) Here's one. DAD (spoken) I'm not dead! ROBIN (spoken) Here, he says he's not dead! LANCE (spoken) Yes he is. DAD (spoken) I feel happy. I feel happy. (sung) I am not dead yet I can dance and I can sing I am not dead yet I can do the Highland Fling I am not dead yet No need to go to bed No need to call the doctor Cause I'm not yet dead. BODIES He is not yet dead That's what the geezer said No, he's not yet dead That man is off his head He is not yet dead So put him back in bed Keep him off the cart because he's not yet dead. Well now he's dead You whacked him on the head Sure, now he's dead It makes me just see red You are such a brute To murder that old coot You homicidal bastard, now he's really dead Who is the knave who put him in his grave And who needs to manage his anger? LANCE My name is Lancelot I'm big, and strong, and hot. Occasionally I do Some things that I should not. ROBIN I want to be a knight But I don't like to fight I'm rather scared I may Just simply run away LANCE I'll be right with you Robin, through and through and through So stick with me And I'll show you what to do ROBIN We'll remain good chums You can teach me how to dance ROBIN & LANCE We're going to enlist ROBIN I'm Robin LANCE And I'm Lance CHORUS Oh we're off to war Because we're not yet dead We will all enlist As the Knights that Arthur led. DAD I am coming too My name will be Sir Fred I'll be your musician Cos I'm not yet dead CHORUS Oh we're not yet dead To Camelot we go To enlist instead To try and earn some dough And so although We should have stayed in bed We're going off to war Because we're not yet dead FRED I am coming, too My name will be Sir Fred I'll be your musician 'Cause I'm not yet dead LANCE To kill I will It gives me such a thrill ROBIN To sing And dance And keep an eye on Lance ALL We're going off to war We'll have girlfriends by the score DAD We'll be shot by Michael Moore! ALL Because we're not yet dead.
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| Come With Me |
ARTHUR (spoken) Oh, Lady of the Lake, please reveal to this doubting Dennis that you are real. DENNIS (spoken) Cor! Blimey! LAKER GIRLS Ahhhhh etc. LADY OF THE LAKE Come with me Come with me Come with me Sweet Galahad You'll be a man Join Arthur's clan Come with me And I will make you glad Galahad Sweet Galahad Be a knight, It's time to take your vow If you come with me now I'll show you how DENNIS Oh wow! ARTHUR (spoken) Stand aside, Mrs. Galahad, while the Lady of the Lake and her Laker Girls welcome your son to my army.
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| The Song that Goes Like This |
Once in every show There comes a song like this It starts off soft and low And ends up with a kiss Oh where is the song That goes like this? Where is it? Where? Where? A sentimental song That casts a magic spell They all will hum along We'll overact like hell For this is the song that goes like this Yes it is! Yes it is! Now we can go straight Into the middle eight A bridge that is too far for me I'll sing it in your face While we both embrace And then We change The key Now we're into E! *hem* That's awfully high for me But as everyone can see We should have stayed in D For this is our song that goes like this! I'm feeling very proud You're singing far too loud That's the way that this song goes You're standing on my toes Singing our song that goes like this! I can't believe there's more It's far too long, I'm sure That's the trouble with this song It goes on and on and on For this is our song that is too long! We'll be singing this til dawn You'll wish that you weren't born Let's stop this damn refrain Before we go insane For this is our song that ends like this!
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| ALL FOR ONE | HISTORIAN And so, King Arthur gathered his Knights together, bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land to sit at the Round Table. The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere, the dasingly handsome Sir Galahad, the homicidally brave Sir Lancelot, Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot, who slew the vicious Chicken of Bristol and who personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill. And the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-show. SIR NOT Sorry. HISTORIAN Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the Centuries The Knights of the Round Table. ALL All for one One for all All for one And one for all BEDEVERE Some for some GALAHAD None for none ROBIN Slightly less for people we don't like LANCELOT And a little bit more for me ALL All round this Blightly land We are his mighty band Oooo King Arthur's strongest knights We are prepared to fight Whoooo-ever All for one Two for all All for some And free for all
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| Knights of the Round Table |
GIRLS Camelot The town that never sleeps It's Camelot! ALL KNIGHTS We're knights of the round table We dance when e're we're able We do routines and chorus scènes With footwork impecc-able We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham and jam and spam alot We're knights of the round talbe Our shows are for-mid-able But many times, we're given rythmes That are quite unsing-able We're opera mad in Camelot We sing from the diaphragm a lot (dance sequence) PRINCIPAL KNIGHTS We're knights of the table Although we live a fable We're not just bums With royal mums We've brains that are quite a-ble We've a busy life in Camelot. SOLO MAN I have to push the pram a lot. (dance sequence) ARTHUR Ladies and gentlemen - The Lady of the Lake. LADY OF THE LAKE Once in every show There comes a song like .this It starts off soft and low And ends up with a kiss Oh, where is the song that goes like this? Goes like this? A sentimental song That cast a magic spell They will all hum along And we'll all overact, overact like hell 'Cos this is the song Yes this is the song Oh this is the song that goes .like (Lady of the Lake - scats) (Arthur - scats) LADY OF THE LAKE They're Knights of the Round Table ARTHUR They dance when e'er they're able LADY OF THE LAKE They're Knights ARTHUR Not days, but Knights LADY AND ARTHUR Not dawn, not dusk Not late afternoon But Knights of the Round Table Round Table Round Table Round Table ALL Round Table Round Table Round Table So try your luck in Camelot Run amok in Camelot It doesn't suck in Camelot (spoken) WE WON! (sung) We're Knights of the Round Table We dance when e'er we're able We do routines and gory scènes That are to hot for cable We eat ham and jam We eat ham and jam and spam a lot ALL (spoken) SPAMALOT!
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| FIND YOUR GRAIL |
Lady of the Lake If you trust in your song Keep your eyes on the goal Then the prize you won't fail That's your grail That's your grail So be strong Keep right on To the end of your song Do not fail Find your grail Find your grail Find your grail Life is really up to you You must choose what to pursue ohh yeeeah Set your mind on what to find And there's nothin' you can't doooo So keep right to the end You'll find your goal my friend You won't fail Find your grail Find your grai-a-a-a-ail Find your grail [ENSEMBLE] Find your grail Find your grail Arthur When your life WRONG Seems dejeffed RIGHT Seems to drift When we all need a lift Tell yourself you won't fail Find your grail Find your grail Life is really up to you You must choose what to pursue Set your mind on what to find Lady of the Lake And there's nothin' you can't do You can't do Dooooo!! ENSEMBLE So keep right (so keep right) to the end (to the end) You'll find your goal my friend Find your grail! You won't fail Find your grail Find your grail Find your grail!! Lady of the Lake Ohhhh You'll find it! You'll find it! YEEEEAH! You gotta keep on Goin round! Goin round! Cause I know YEEEEEEAAAH
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| RUN AWAY |
FRENCHMAN Fetchez la vache! ARTHUR Run away! ROBIN Run away! LANCELOT Run away? BEDAVERE Run away! KNIGHTS Run away! Run away! Run Away! ARTHUR Run away from the stench and the trenchies! KNIGHTS Run away! Run Away! BEDAVERE From these horrible, nasty old Frenchies! ROBIN These frogs and their terrible prattle, are fighting a battle with cattle! LANCELOT We're all full of fear so let's get out of here! KNIGHTS Run away, run away, run away! FRENCHMEN You English all are buggerfolk Your mothers all are ruggerfolk Your army is a bloody joke You couldn't beat an artichoke If battle you choose to renew We'll taunt you 'til you all turn blue We turn our asses as you part In your direction we all far Too! *French National Anthem plays* *Breaking Wind is heard* FRENCHMAN Fetchez la can-can dancers! ALL KNIGHTS *To the tune of a can-can* Run away! Run away! Run away! Run-run-run-run-run-run away! Run away! Run away! Run away, run, run away! Ruuuuun a-waaaaay! Run away! Run away! ARTHUR It seems like a helpful solution KNIGHTS Run away! Run away! ARTHUR To avoid this French revolution! We're stuck in a nasty position Why don't you take a short intermission? Have a drink and a pee, we'll be back for Act Threeeeeeeee PATSY Two, sir! ARTHUR Twooooooooo . KNIGHTS Run away run away run awaaaaaaaaay!
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| INTRODUCTION ACT 2 | HISTORIAN Defeat, at the castle in Act I, seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise. King Arthur and his knights fled for their lives, and were instantly scattered and lost in a dark and very expensive forest
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| always look on the bright side of life | Some things in life are bad They can really make you mad Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle Don't grumble, give a whistle And this'll help things turn out for the best And always look on the bright side of life Always look on the light side of life If life seems jolly rotten There's something you've forgotten And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps Don't be silly chumps Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing. And always look on the bright side of life Always look on the light side of life For life is quite absurd And death's the final word You must always face the curtain with a bow. Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow. So always look on the bright side of death Just before you draw your terminal breath Life's a piece of shit When you look at it Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true. You'll see it's all a show Keep 'em laughing as you go Just remember that the last laugh is on you. And always look on the bright side of life Always look on the right side of life (Come on guys, cheer up!) Always look on the bright side of life Always look on the bright side of life (Worse things happen at sea, you know.) Always look on the bright side of life (I mean - what have you got to lose?) (You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!) Always look on the right side of life
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| BRAVE SIR ROBIN |
MINSTRELS Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. That's that's er enough music for now lads.
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| YOU WON'T SUCCEED |
RTHUR Have you heard of this 'West End?' ROBIN Yes sire, and we don't stand a chance there. ARTHUR Why not? ROBIN Because West End is a very special place, who need people and who are, in many ways, the luckiest people in the world. I'm sorry sire, but we don't stand a chance. |
| Whatever happened to my part? |
LADY OF THE LAKE Whatever happened to my part? It was exciting at the start. Now we're halfway through Act 2 And I've had nothing yet to do. I've been offstage for far too long It's ages since I had a song. This is one unhappy Diva The producer's have deceived her. There is nothing I can sing from my heart. Whatever Happened to My Part? I am sick of my career Always starting second gear Up to here, with frustration and with fears. I've no Grammy no Rewards, I've no Tony Awards, I'm Constantly replaced with Britney Spears Whatever Happened to My Show? I was a hit, now I don't know. I'm with a bunch of British Knights, Prancing 'round in woolly tights. I might as well go to the Pub They've been out searching for a shrub Out shopping for a Bush Well they can kiss my Tush It seems to me they've really lost the plot Whatever Happened to My I'll Call my Agent, Dammit Whatever Happened to My Not Yours, Not Yours, By My, Part!
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| WHERE ARE YOU |
Prince Herbert Where are you? Where are you? Where are you, my heart's desire? My heart is true, but where are you? Only you can quench the fire. Where are you? Where are you Prince Herbert's Father Stop it! Stop that! Stop all that singing! Prince Herbert I knew someone would come. I knew that somewhere out there, there must be Here are you! Here are you! Here are you, Sir Lancelot! Prince Herbert's Father Stop it! Stop it! Who are you? Prince Herbert I'm your son. Prince Herbert's Father Not you!
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| HIS NAME IS LANCELOT |
Herbert Lancelot you might as well just fess up Really you're a different kind of guy Move aside your scabbard For underneath your tabard There is waiting to escape a butterfly MEN His name is Lancelot And in tight pants a lot He likes to dance a lot You know you do LANCELOT I do? No Way! Y.M.C.A. Ok!
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| I'M ALL ALONE |
King Arthur I'm all alone all by myself there is no one here beside me im all alone quite, all alone no one to comfort me or guide me why is there no one here with me on the long and winding road to lift my heavy load if there were someone here with me how happy i would be but im alone quite all alone all by myself im all alone I'm all alone (Patsy he's all alone) All by myself (Patsy except for me) I cannot face tomorrow (Patsy he cannot face it) I'm all alone (Patsy Though i am here) So all alone (Patsy so very near) No one to share my sorrow PATSY You know it seems quite clear to me because im working class i am just the horses ass he sells me down the river so what am i, chopped liver? King Arthur But i'm alone (Patsy oh no you're not!) So all alone (Patsy I'm here you twat!) All by myself im all alone KNIGHTS he's all alone King Arthur i'm all alone KNIGHTS all by himself King Arthur all by myself KNIGHTS there is no one here beside him, He's all alone King Arthur so all alone KNIGHTS apart from us, each one of us is all alone we're all alone King Arthur we're all alone KNIGHTS yes all alone King Arthur so all alone,
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| Twice in every show |
LADY OF THE LAKE But you're not alone, Arthur! Haven't you noticed? I've been with you all the time! Who gave you the sword? Who made you king? Who helped you find the quest? Sure, I've been offstage for far too long But, we had that great lounge number in Act One. And, oh! We do scat great together! No, no, I'm no Patsy .stlyrics But I am here to help you And I always have been! KING ARTHUR And you really want me? LADY OF THE LAKE More than ever! BOTH Twice in every show! There comes a song like this! It starts off soft and low And ends up with a kiss. Oh, this is the scène That ends like this. LADY OF THE LAKE Find the grail, Arthur! And when you do, I'll be there Waiting for you! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! |
| FINALE ACT 2 |
King Arthur Lady, will you marry me? Lady of the lake I thought you'd never ask. scène changes to the Vegas Drive-Up Wedding Chapel and the Girls enter in short Wedding Dresses. GIRLS We are not yet wed And we're nearly at the end It is time that we Went and found a friend Is there someone who Can help us in out quest? We're already dressed Although we're not yet wed. Enter the boys with top hats and tails. MEN We are not yet dead That's the best thing to be said We are not yet dead So we might as well get wed Could it be much worse Is marriage such a curse? Might as well get married Cos we are not yet wed Wedding Match. Enter Lancelot and Herbert married. In great fasions. HERBERT So you see it's all a show, happy ending and all And that just makes me want to sing They all look for Father but he doesn't come on so Herbert starts to sing HERBERT When you're lost On life's trail And you feel doomed to fail Do not fail Find Your Male Find Your Male That's your Grail LANCE Just think Herbert, in a thousand years time this will still be controversial. Enter Robin, suitably dressed in white tie and tails. ROBIN And I too have found my grail. ENSEMBLE What's that? Robin Musical Theatre! (singing) Robin You can sing You can dance And you won�t soil your pants In your white tie and tail Find your Grail Find your Grail ENSEMBLE Hallelujah a Broadway wedding! Enter Arthur and Guinevere married. Guinevere is in a gorgeous wedding gown. King Arthur EN Guinevere So be strong ENSEMBLE Here comes the bride King Arthur EN Guinevere Keep right on. ENSEMBLE Here comes the groom King Arthur EN Guinevere To the end of your song ENSEMBLE Hallelujah
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| always look on the bright side of life | Some things in life are bad They can really make you mad Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle Don't grumble, give a whistle And this'll help things turn out for the best And always look on the bright side of life Always look on the light side of life If life seems jolly rotten There's something you've forgotten And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps Don't be silly chumps Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing. And always look on the bright side of life Always look on the light side of life For life is quite absurd And death's the final word You must always face the curtain with a bow. Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow. So always look on the bright side of death Just before you draw your terminal breath Life's a piece of shit When you look at it Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true. You'll see it's all a show Keep 'em laughing as you go Just remember that the last laugh is on you. And always look on the bright side of life Always look on the right side of life (Come on guys, cheer up!) Always look on the bright side of life Always look on the bright side of life (Worse things happen at sea, you know.) Always look on the bright side of life (I mean - what have you got to lose?) (You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!) Always look on the right side of life |