ACT I, Earth

1. Overly-ture

Audience:
JE:JE:JE:JE:JE:JE:JE:JE:
MY MOM USED TO BE MY MOM USED TO BE
USED TO BE, MY MOM,
USED TO BE MY DAD
USED TO BE MY DAD
SNIP-SNIP
USED TO BE MY DAD
SNIP
I WAS GENTED BY LES:
BY A LES:
BY A LESBIAN: DIKE
BY A LESBIAN DWARF.
SHE GAVE GOOD HEAD
CUZ SHE GAVE GOOD HEAD
SLURP SLURP
BUT SHE GAVE GOOD HEAD
SLURP
I USED TO BE A LAPDANCING
PRE-OPERATIVE TRANSEXUAL!
A CHICK! A CHICK! CHICK!
CHICK WITH A DICK
WITH A DICK
WITH A DICK
CHICK WITH A DICK
WITH A DICK
WITH A DICK
I WANT TO BE,
ON TV
PLEASE LET ME BE,
ON TV
CHOOSE ME
PLEASEY
JE:JE:JE:JE:JE:JE:JE:RRY!
RRY!
RRY!

2. Audience Plainsong

Various members of the audience:
EXUCSE ME,
IS THIS THE RIGHT ROOM FOR THE DAVE LETERMAN SHOW?

YOU' VE GOT THE WRONG ROOM PAL
LOSER

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU BACK

WHEN DOES IT START?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

I HOPE I GET TO SEE SOME BARE BREASTS!

ME TOO

WHY ARE THE MEN SUCH LOSERS?

NICE TO SEE THE LESBIANS AND,

All:
COCKSUCKERS!

Person:
I HOPE THEY' LL BE SOME FIGHTING

All:
OF COURSE THEY' LL BE SOME FIGHTING,
YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!

Person:
WHO YOU CALLIN' ASSHOLE?

All:
YOU, ASSHOLE!

3. Ladies and Gentlemen

Warm-up Man: Audience:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WELCOME TO THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW!
PLEASE WILL YOU WELCOME, JERRY
WELCOME JERRY
WELCOME YOUR MODERATOR AND WARM-UP ARTIST! JE:! OH:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MY NAME IS JOHNATHAN WIERESS OH YEA
BEFORE THE SHOW STARTS,
WE GOTTA LAY DOWN A FEW RULES! WHATEVER
THINGS GET PRETTY HOT UP HERE,
SO WE GOTTA HAVE A FEW RULES GOT THE MESSAGE
NOBODY' S ALLOWED ON STAGE
AND NOBODY' S ALLOWED TO THROW THINGS,
AT THE GUESTS
DON' T THROW THINGS AT THE GUESTS
ANOTHER RULE WHAT?
DURING THE SHOW NO HECKLING WHAT?
NO HECKLING
NO HECKLING? WATCHU SAYING?
ARE YOU MAD? NO WAY!
APART FROM
AHHH FOR THE GOOD GUYS! AHHH
YES THAT' S RIGHT! AHHH
YOU' VE GOT IT
AND FOR THE BAD GUYS BOO BOO
YEP BOO
GREAT BOO
YES THAT' S RIGHT BOO
YES THAT' S RIGHT BOO
SAVE IT FOR THE SHOW BOO
SAVE IT FOR THE SHOW!
AND WE LIKE IT WHEN YOU SAY:
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
JERRY
JERRY JERRY
GO JERRY GO JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
JERRY
OKAY KEEP GOING LETS GO
JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY! JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
JERRY
SO JUST TO RECAP
NO HECKLING NO HECKLING
NO FIGHTING NO FIGHTING
NO THROWING THINGS NO THROWING THINGS
OR THROWING UP OR THROWING UP
AND MOST OF ALL MOST OF ALL
SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY
ESPECIALLY, OBVIOUSLY:

4. Have Yourself a Good Time

Warm-up Man: Audience:
HAVE YOURSELF A GOOD TIME GOOD TIME!
HAVE YOURSELVES A GOOD TIME GOOD TIME!
A GOOOOOOOOOD TIME
A GOOOOOOOOOD TIME
HAVE YOURSELF A REAL GOOD TIME GOOD TIME
GOOD TIME GOOD TIME
GOOD TIME GOOD TIME
GOOD TIME A GOOD TIME JERRY JERRY
A GOOOOOOOO: WE WANT SOME ACTION
:OOOOOOOOOOO READY FOR SOME ACTION
TIME A GOOOOO: WE WANT JERRY
:OOOD OH
HAVE YOURSELVES A REAL GOOD TIME WHERE THE FUCK IS JERRY?
WHAT DO YOU WANT? LESBIANS FIGHTING!
WHAT DO YOU WANT? OPEN CROTCH SIGHING!
PIMPS AND FAGGOTS
GOT A FEW, SOME PROSTITIUES
MUTANTS, PSYCHOS,
SADOS, WINOS,
GO SHOW THE LOSERS,
WITH NO NOSES
BRING ON THE LOSERS!
GO AHEAD BRING ' EM ON BRING ON THE LOSERS!
GO AHEAD BRING ' EM ON BRING ON THE LOSERS!
LALALALALALALA BRING ON THE LOSERS!
LALALALALALALA BRING ON THE LOSERS!
LALALALALALA LOSERS! BRING ON THE LOSERS!
ARE YOU READY,
ARE YOU READY? YES I' M READY YES I' M READY!
ARE YOU READY,
ARE YOU READY? OF FOR FUCKS SAKE WE ARE READY!
ALRIGHT THERE' S NO WE ARE FAFAFAFAFAFA
NEED FOR SARCASM AHHHHHH
I' M ONLY TRYING TO YES WE' RE FUCKING READY
DO MY FUCKING JOB
TOUGH CROWD YES WE' RE READY
REALLY TOUGH READY
TRAILER TRASH FUCK YOU!
COME ON, COME ON!
ALRIGHT ALREADY COME ON, COME ON!
WHERE THE FUCK IS JERRY? COME ON, COME ON!
CROWD IS TURNING UGLY:

5. Bigger Then Oprah Winfrey

Warm-up Man: AUDIENCE:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
PEOPLE OF MOST NATIONS OF THE WORLD GO JERRY, GO JERRY
WELCOME THE HOST OF THE GREATEST SHOW GO JERRY,
ON THIS EARTH GO JERRY, JERRY
BIGGER THEN DAVE LETERMAN
BIGGER THEN BOB HOPE
AND GIVE OR TAKE A FEW MILLION,
BIGGER THEN THE FUCKING POPE
HERE HE COMES! HERE HE COMES!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
JERRY, GO JERRY, JERRY!
(CHEERING)

Jerry:
Welcome to the show! Nice to see ya! Thanks for coming!

6. Foursome Guests

Jerry:
Thank you! Welcome to the show! Today, all my guests have guilty secrets. They also have partners who want to get those guilty secrets off their chests and come clean. So please welcome our first guest with a guilty secret, Dwight! Welcome to the show Dwight.

Dwight:
HEY JERRY, WASSUP?

Jerry:
Wassup?

All:
WASSUP!

Jerry:
So Dwight, what' s on your mind?

Dwight:
I BEEN SEEIN MY FIANCEE FOR TWO YEARS
AND WE' RE GETTING MARRIED IN TWO MONTHES

Jerry:
And what is it you want to tell your fiancee?

Dwight:
I BEEN SEEING SOMEONE ELSE
SOMEONE ELSE
SOMEONE ELSE
SOMEONE ELSE
WHATEVER GET OVER IT

Jerry:
Okay, sh, come on. Now, does your fiancee know this person?

Dwight:
IT' S HER BEST FRIEND, ZANDRA
OH, WHATEVER!

Jerry:
Okay, okay. Now, you' re getting married in two months, why would you' ve cheat on your future wife?

Dwight:
I DON' T KNOW JERRY IT JUST HAPPENED
BUT I REALLY LOVE HER
GOD I REALLY LOVE HER
BUT I GOTTA GET MY SECRET OFF MY CHEST
OFF MY CHEST

Jerry:
Well lets see how she feels about it. Please say hello to Peaches. Hi Peaches don' t listen to them, they' re just kidding. Welcome to the show. Welcome to the show Peaches. You know why you' re here?

Peaches:
NO I DON' T JERRY

Jerry:
Well how' s the relationship?

Dwight: Peaches:
IT' S GETTING' UH HUH
REAL GOOD UH HUH UH HUH

Jerry:
Well Dwight has something he wants to tell you. Go ahead Dwight.

Dwight: Peaches:
BABY WE BEEN GOING OUT FOR TWO YEARS UH HUH UH HUH
THINGS ARE GOING GOOD UH HUH UH HUH
BUT I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY UH HUH UH HUH
SOMETHING THAT' S BURNING INSIDE:

7. I' ve Been Seeing Someone Else

Dwight:
I BEEN SEEING SOMEONE ELSE
I BEEN SEEING SOMEONE ELSE
I BEEN SEEING SEEING SOMEONE
SOMEONE SEEING SOMEONE ELSE:

Peaches:
WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK,
WHAT THE FUCKING, FUCKING FUCK?

Jerry:
Peaches, you seem surprised. What is it you' d like to say to Dwight?

Peaches:
WHO WHO?

Dwight:
CALM DOWN BABY

Peaches:
WHO WHO?

Dwight:
TAKE IT EASY, TRY TO CHILL!

Peaches:
WHO WHO?

Dwight:
SHE DON' T MEAN A THING TO ME

Peaches:
WHO WHO?

Dwight:
SHES JUST A TRAMP, JUST A WHORE!

Peaches:
WHO WHO?

Dwight:
IT AINT EASY FOR ME BABY!

Peaches:
WHO WHO? WHO WHO?

Dwight:
I BEEN SEEING YOUR BEST FRIEND
I BEEN SEEING YOUR BEST FRIEND
YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOUR BEST FRIEND
BUT BABY I LOVE YOU:!

Jerry:
Alright, well lets bring out Peaches best friend. Please welcome Zandra.

Audience:
DIRTY WHORE, DIRTY WHORE!
FILTHY DIRTY, HANKY SKANKY SLUT WHORE!
OH, SLUT WHORE!

Zandra:
I REMEMBER WHEN WE WAS YOUNG
WE HAD SOME LAUGHS, WE HAD SOME FUN
WE LIVED ON DREAMS
WE WAS FULL OF HOPE
UNTIL I GOT ADDICTED TO CRACK AND DOPE
CRACK AND DOPE

Peaches:
BITTCHHHHHHHH! BITCH! BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH! BITCH BITCH
BITCH BITCH! BITCH!

Steve:
Hi. My name is Steve Wilcos, I' m the head of security here at the Jerry Springer Show. You know, um, alotta people ask me what are the hardest fights to break up. And I gotta tell you, it' s always the women. Hah.

Audience:
STEVE!

Zandra:
WHY' D YA TELL HER ASSHOLE?

Dwight:
GOTTA FESS UP, GOTTA FESS UP

Zandra:
PEACHES IT WERENT ME IT WAS THE BLOW
SHOULDA MADE CHANGES

Peaches:
CRACK HEAD
SLUT JUNKIE

Jerry:
Zandra, Peaches has been your best friend since childhood. Why would you cheat on your best friend?

Zandra:
HE' D COME ROUND,
KNOW WHAT I' M SAYIN, KNOW WHAT I' M SAYIN
WHEN HE WAS STRESSED,
KNOW WHAT I' M SAYIN, KNOW WHAT I' M SAYIN
I WOULD SYMPATHIZE
SYMPATHIZE
KNOW WHAT I' M SAYIN, KNOW WHAT I' M SAYIN

Audience:
CRACK WHORE!

Jerry:
Peaches, your partner has cheated on you, your best friend has betrayed you. You don' t have to put up with this, you' re the innocent one here.

Peaches:
A WEIRD THING HAPPENED LAST NIGHT,
WHEN I WENT TO TAKE A LEAK
I ENDED UP PISSING ON A MAN,
WITH A GLORIOUS PHYSIQUE
I SAID WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING ON THE RESTROOM FLOOR?
HE SAID DON' T ASK STUPID QUESTIONS,
JUST PISS ON ME SOME MORE
PISS ON ME YOU WHORE
I PISSED SOME MORE
I GUESS WE ALL GOT OUR FLAWS, JERRY

Jerry:
I' m confused here. So are you gonna take him back?

Peaches:
UH HUH UH HUH UH HUH

Dwight:
BABY I LOVE YOU!

Jerry:
Well I guess you got away with it this time Dwight:

Inner Valkyrie:
JERRY JERRY:!

Jerry:
It' s okay, my inner valkyrie. How can I help you today?

Inner Valkyrie:
JERRY MAKES THE MORONS FIGHT
BUT HOW DOES JERRY SLEEP AT NIGHT?

Jerry:
How do I sleep? I sleep on my back thank you. Ya know, it' s easy to occupy the moral high ground, what' s more difficult is to comfortably occupy the moral low ground. Go away. Now Dwight, you told producers before the show that you had another secret.

Dwight:
BABY THERE' S ONE MORE THING

Peaches:
UH HUH

Dwight:
ONE MORE BABY THERE' S ONE MORE BABY THERE' S:
I BEEN SEEING SOMEONE ELSE:

Peaches and Zandra:
WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCKING, FUCKING FUCK?

Jerry:
Bring him on!

Audience:
JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY
AH!

8. Chick with a Dick

Audience: Tremont:
CHICK WITH A DICK I AM A MAN
CHICK WITH A DICK I AM A MAN
CHICK WITH A DICK I AM A MAAAA:
:MAAAAAAN
I' M A MAN!
I' M A MAN:!

9. Talk to the Hand

Warm-up Man:
TACKY, TA, TA, TA TACKY QUEEN

Audience:
TACKY, TA, TA, TA TACKY QUEEN

Tremont:
YOU CAN HUSH ALL YOUR SHOUTING,
YOU CAN HUSH ALL YOUR BITCHING,
YOU CAN TALK TO THE HAND,
CUZ THE FACE AINT LISTENING!

Audience:
LOSER, BRUISER!

Tremont: Audience:
TALK TO THE HAND LOSER
TALK TO THE HAND LOSER
TALK TO THE HAND LOSER
CUZ THE FACE AINT LISTENING!
LOSER, FAGGOT
LOOK AT LITTLE PIGGY, SEE HOW SHE SQUEALS
MY ADVICE TO YOU, BITCH,
GET A FACE PEEL LOSER, LOSER, BUTTBOY!
TO THE HAND! LOSER, LOSER. BUTTBOY!
HUSH YOUR DIRTY MOUTH, MY TUBBY LADY CHIMP
LOOSE THE FACIAL HAIR,
AND YOU MIGHT FIND A PIMP!
LOSER, LOSER, LOSER!
TO THE HAND! LOSER, LOSER, LOSER!
TALK TO THE HAND!
YOU' RE SO TRAGIC,
YOU' RE SO SAD,
CUZ YOUR BROTHER IS YOUR DAD
TALK TO THE HAND!
YOU' RE SO SLOW,
YOU' RE SO DUMB,
CUZ YOU LIVE OFF GAY MENS CUM!
DO YOU WANT SOME,
DO YOU WANT SOME? COME AND GET IT,
COME AND GET IT!
DO YOU WANT SOME,
DO YOU WANT SOME? COME AND GET IT,
COME AND GET IT!
WHEN YOU' RE DEAD AND BURIED IN THE GRASS,
I' LL DIG YOU UP AND FUCK YOU UP THE ASS!
TALK TO THE HAND
CUZ THE FACE AINT LISTENING TALK TO THE HAND
CUZ THE FACE AINT LISTENING TALK TO THE HAND
DADADADADAADADA: TALK TO THE HAND
:DADADADADADADA: TALK TO THE HAND
:DADADADA: TALK TO THE HAND
:DADADADADADADA: TALK TO THE HAND
:DADADADADADADA TALK TO THE HAND
TALK TO THE HAND CUZ THE FACE AINT LISTENING
TALK TO THE HAND
TO THE HAND, TO THE HAND TALK TO THE HAND
TO THE HAND TO THE
CUM AND VOMIT
CUM AND VOMIT
OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD
KILL ALL GAYS!
KILL ALL GAYS!

Jerry:
Welcome to the show Tremont. Now, let me get this straight. She says she' s his. She says he' s hers. They say he' s theirs. I guess you' re saying he' s yours so what' s going on?

Tremont:
SHE SAID THAT HE SAID THAT I SAID
THAT I SAID THAT HE SAID THAT SHE SAID
THAT THEY SAID THAT SHE SAID WE BOTH SAID THAT HE SAID THAT
I SAID THAT YOU SAID SOMETHING OR RATHER I FORGET

All Four:
SHE SAID THAT HE SAID THAT I SAID
THAT I SAID THAT HE SAID WHAT THEY SAID

Tremont: Others:
SHE SAID THAT I DON' T THINK SO
THAT HE SAID THAT I DON' T THINK SO
I SAID THAT I GOT IT!
HE SAID THEY BOTH SAID NO THAT' S WRONG
THAT THEY SAID THAT WE DON' T THINK SO
I SAID THAT SHE SAID I DON' T THINK SO
HE SAID THAT YOU SAID
HE SAID THAT YOU SAID
DOES IT REALLY MATTER WHAT?
DOES IT REALLY MATTER?

Dwight:
WHAT?

Tremont: Audience:
CUZ AT THE END OF THE DAY
I:I:I:I:
I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU!
CHICK WITH A DICK WITH A WHORE!
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU CHICK WITH A DICK WITH A WHORE!
I LOVE YOOOUU: CHICK WITH A DICK WITH A WHORE!
:OUUU YOU: LADY BOY!
:OUUU: LALALALA LADY BOY
:OOOO! OFF WITH THE FAGGOTS!
OOOO! BUTTBOY!

Other 3:
WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCKING, FUCKING FUCK?

Jerry:
Alright now, Dwight, who' s it gonna be?

Dwight:
I WANT MY BABY BACK
PEACHES BABY PLEASE COME BACK
THEY DON' T MEAN SHIT TO ME
THEY JUST WHORES AND DOUCHE BAGS:

Audience:
STEVE, STEVE, STEVE:

Jerry:
Well Peaches, it' s your call. Where do we go from here?

Peaches:
YOU DON' T SEE ME CRY
YOU DON' T SEE MY CRY
I JUST SAY GOODBYE
BISEXUAL BYE BI

Peaches and Warm-up Man:
BISEXUAL BYE BI
BISEXUAL BYE BI

Peaches: Other 3(who ever she refers to):
YOU' RE JUST A TRAMP COME ONE BABY
YOU' RE JUST A CRACK WHORE IT WASN' T ME IT WAS THE SMACK
YOU' RE JUST A BUTT PLUGING
CUM LOVING MAN LOVING TALK TO THE HAND
GUY SUCKING UGLY
MAN WHORE
AHHHHHHH

Jerry:
More guilty secrets after these commercials, don' t go away.

10. Adverts 1

Various Commercial Sponsors:
YOU MAY LOOK BEAUTIFUL NOW
BUT IN TEN YEARS
YOU' RE GONNA LOOK LIKE A DOG!
THE FUTURE IS ONE THING
THE FUTURE IS ONE THING
WHATS TO BECOME OF ME?
WHATS TO BECOME OF ME?
SURGERY!
DOCTOR KNIFE, DOCTOR KNIFE,
KEEPING YOU YOUNG FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!
ARE YOU INSURED? ARE YOU INSURED?
NO INSURANCE MEANS NO CURE
YOU' LL DIE ALONE, IN YOUR HOME
SCREAMING IN AGONY
SCREAMING IN AGONY
WRETCHING AND PUKING
FROM EVERY ORIFICE
THINK YOU BETTER GET INSURED!
DON' T LET WEIGHT PROBLEMS SPOIL YOUR NIGHT
THROW AWAY YOUR DIETS AND USE A PARASITE!
SOME PEOPLE DO AS THEY THINK THEY SHOULD,
OTHERS GET VIAGRA AND GET WOOD!

11. Intro to Diaper Man

Audience:
JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
JERRY

Jerry:
Thank you, welcome back:

Warm-up Man:
IF YOU ALL LIKE JERRY CLAP YOUR HANDS,
IF YOU ALL LIKE JERRY CLAP YOUR HANDS!
IF YOU ALL LIKE JERRY CLAP YOUBR HANDS,
THEN SLAP YOUR GLANDS AND FUCK YOUR BEST FRIENDS WIFE,
(+Audience)
OH SLAP YOUR GLANDS AND FUCK YOU BEST FRIENDS WIFE!

Jerry:
Thank you, welcome back. My next guest with a guilty secret is Montel.

12. Diaper Man

Jerry:
So Montel, what' s on your mind?

Montel:
I' VE BEEN SEEING ANDREA HERE,
AND WE' RE IN LOVE
WE' RE IN LOVE
WE' RE IN LOVE:

Jerry:
And what is it you' d like to tell Andrea?

Montel:
Well Jerry,

Jerry:
Don' t talk to me, talk to Andrea

Montel:
BABY, I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART
BUT THERE IS ONE THING YOU CAN DO FOR ME
WHICH COULD CHANGE MY LIFE
CHANGE MY LIFE

Andrea:
TELL ME BABY, TELL ME BABY

Montel:
WELL BABY

Andrea:
TELL ME BABY, TELL ME BABY

Montel:
WELL BABY

Andrea:
TELL ME BABY, TELL ME BABY
TELL ME BABY, TELL ME BABY
TELL ME

Montel:
I WANNA BE A BABY, BABY

Andrea:
YOU ARE MY BABY, BABY

Montel:
WHAT I MEAN IS,
I WANNA BE A BABY!

Andrea:
WHAT?

Montel:
BE A BABY!

Andrea:
UH, YOU' VE GOTTA BE KIDDING?

Montel:
BE A BABY, BE A BABY

Andrea:
YOU' VE GOTTA BE KIDDING

Montel:
BE A BABY, BE A BABY

Andrea: Montel:

Andrea	Montel
TELL ME THIS IS BULLSHIT! WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK JESUS CHRIST, WHAT YOU SAYING? MONTEL WATCHU SAYING? BABY STOP IT! WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE? BABY STOP IT, WATCH IT! MONTEL, MONTEL WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? STOP IT! MONTEL STOP IT!	BE A BABY, BE A BABY I WANNA BE YOUR BABY, BABY B-A-B WITH A Y, IF BABY GETS BAD, THEN BABY GETS SLAPPED! MAMA GIVE B-A-B-Y BIG, BIG SMACK! MAMA GET ALL ANGWY? MA! MA!

Jerry:
Andrea, you seem upset. What is it you' d like to say to Montel?

Andrea: Montel:
MONTEL, MAMA!
STOP THIS MAMA!
WE CAN, MA:
WORK IT OUT :MA
IT MEAN A LOT TO ME BABY
GET SOME THERAPY
IT WOULD HELP,
IN THE BED DEPARTMENT
BED DEPARTMENT?
YES!
ARE YOU SAYING I' M BAD IN BED?
NO BABY,
WHAT THEN WELL
SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT,
ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY YOU' RE GAY? NO BABY
PUT SOME PANTS ON, ITS SO VERY HARD,
BE A MAN AND OH SO VERY HARD
TELL ME SO HARD
TELL ME! SO HARD:
WELL,
WHAT?
IT' S
WHAT UH
WHAT

All:
WHAT?

Inner Valkyrie:
PLEASE DON' T TELL US, WE CAN GUESS!

Jerry:
Will you get out of my head, I' m working here!

13. Montel Cums Dirty

Montel:
SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO RELAX IN CASINOS
OTHERS GET A KICK SHOVING POWDER UP THEIR NOSE
THAT' S HOW IT IS,
THAT' S HOW IT IS
THAT' S HOW IT IS,
THAT' S HOW IT IS
SOME PEOPLE CHILL, WITH A PILL, OR A REEFER
OTHERS LIKE TO EAT THEIR LUNCH OFF A HOARACE BEAVER
THAT' S HOW IT IS,
THAT' S HOW IT IS
FOR SOME MORNING MASS
FOR OTHERS HAIRY ASS
I GOT A NEED,
A SPECIAL DESIRE
A LITTLE THING, A HARMLESS THING,
THAT SETS MY SOUL ON FIRE
WHICH SENDS IT SPINNING INTO SPACE,
AND PUTS ME IN A TRANCE
A LITTLE THING, A HARMLESS THING,
A LITTLE THING, A HARMLESS THING
I JUST WANNA SHIT MY PANTS
OH I JUST WANNA SHIT MY PANTS
OH POOPING IN MY CALVIN KLIENS!
DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO
DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO
DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO
AHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHH
DIP DO DO DO DI DO DO DI DO
DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO
AHHHHHHHHH
IT MIGHT SEEM PATHETIC,
MIGHT SHOW A LACK OF CLASS
I ONLY FEEL THE REAL ME
WHEN THE SHITS,
POURIN OUT OF MY ASS!

Jerry:
Well spit it out Montel, what' s the big secret?

Montel:
I HAD TO GET MY DIAPER ACTION,
I HAD TO GET MY DIAPER ACTION
I BEEN SEEING BABY JANE!

Jerry:
Please welcome Baby Jane.

14. This is my Jerry Springer Moment

Baby Jane:
THIS IS MY JERRY SPRINGER MOMENT
I DON' T WANT THIS MOMENT TO DIE
SO DIP ME IN CHOCOLATE
AND THROW ME TO THE LESBIANS
I DON' T WANT THIS MOMENT TO DIE

All:
THIS IS HER JERRY SPRINGER MOMENT
AHHHHHHH
SHE DON' T WANT THIS MOMENT TO DIE
SO DIP HER IN CHOCOLATE
AND THROW HER TO THE LESBIANS
TO THE LESBIANS
SHE DON' T WANT THIS MOMENT TO DIE

Baby Jane:
DIE:
DIE:

Jerry:
Thank you Baby Jane. Now, Baby Jane, what is it that you' d like to say to Andrea?

15. Mama Gimme Smack on the Asshole

Baby Jane: Andrea:
MAMA GIMME SMACK ON THE ASSHOLE DISGUSTING
MAMA GIMME SMACK EVERY NIGHT DO YOU WANT SOME?
MAMA GIMME SMACK ON THE ASSHOLE
EVERYTHING' LL BE ALRIGHT YOU FUCKING SICKO,
YOU FREAKING PERVERT
I AM GONNA WHOOP YOUR ASS,
DADDY' S SICK YOU STUPID
FUCKING BITCH, BITCH, BITCH
MAMA! BITCH!
MAMA! BITCH!
MAMA!

Montel:
EVERYTHING' LL BE ALRIGHT!

Audience:
GO MONTEL, TAKE HER EYES OUT
GO MONTEL, RIP HER HAIR OUT
NOTHING MORE EXCITING THEN BITCHES FIGHTING
NOTHING MORE EXCITING THEN BITCHES FIGHTING
GO MONTEL, SLASH HER UTERUS
GO MONTEL, TRASH HER IMPLANTS!

Jerry:
Hold it! Come on! Now Montel, this is your partner of two years, I mean surely you have something you want to say to her.

Montel: Audience:
IF YOU FEEL BLUE,
MY ADVICE TO YOU IS,
POOP YOUR FUCKING PANTS! POOP YOUR FUCKING PANTS!
POOP YOUR FUCKING PANTS! POOP YOUR FUCKING PANTS!
POOP YOUR FUCKING PANTS! WHY DON' T YA POOP YOUR PANTS!
POOP YOUR FUCKING PANTS! WHY DONTCHA
POOP YOUR PANTS POOP YOUR, HA HA HA HA
FUCKING PANTS!

Andrea: Audience:
STOP THIS FUCKING SHIT! LOSER, LOSER!
SHOW ME SOME RESPECT! LOSER, LOSER!
DO YOU WANT SOME? OH OH OH OH
BITCH!

Jerry:
Ya know, I never wanted to be a talkshow host.

Andrea: Audience:
BITCH
DO YOU WANT SOME?
COME AND GET IT, COME AND GET IT,
MOTHERFUCKERS!
COME AND GET IT, COME AND GET IT

Montel: Andrea:
I WISH YOU COULD LIKE HER
LIKE HER THEN WHIPE HER
DIAPER! FUCK YOU!

Montel and Baby Jane: Andrea:
DIAPER POOPY, DIAPER POOPY
DIAPER! THAT' S ENOUGH
DIAPER POOPY, DIAPER POOPY
DIAPER! BABY PLEASE!
WOAH HO HO HO
DIAPER! BABY!
POOPY! BABY!
DIAPER!
POOPY!
DIAPER DIAPER WO WO WO WO WO!

Jerry:
More guilt after the break, don' t go away.

16. I Wanna Sing Something Beautiful

Andrea: Jerry:
I WANNA SING SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL Okay, that' s enough
I WANNA SING SOMETHING POSITIVE you can finish this in the green room
I WANNA LEARN HOW TO DREAM AGAIN
TO FEEL AGAIN really have to wind this up now
I WANNA STAND ON TOP thank you
OF A HILL Steve?
IN THE ARMS OF MY LOVER
BATHED IN THE LIGHT OF RAINBOWS
WITH SPRING IN MY HEART
AND LOVE BY MY SIDE
OH
STAY WITH ME STAY WITH ME STAY WITH ME BABY!
STAY WITH ME STAY WITH ME STAY WITH ME BABY!

17. Adverts 2

Various Commercial sponsors:
NO MOTIVATION
NO IDEA, NO AIM
NO PROBLEM
NO WORRIES
NO ONE CAME
BUY A GUN
BUY A BIG GUN
HAVE SOME FUN
WITH A BIG GUN
WHO LET THEM BUY DOWN
LET THEM BUY GUN DOWN
WHO LET THEM BUY DOWN
LET THEM BUY GUN DOWN
WHO YOU GOT THE GUN TO?
YES WHO YOU GOT THE GUN TO?
BUT YOU GOTTA BUY IT FIRST!
BOUNCE BACK
BOUNCE BACK
BOUNCE BACK WITH PROSAC!
GIVE INTO JESUS,
GIVE INTO JESUS
OR ALTERNATIVELY DIE!
DIE A HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO
HO HO HO HO HO HO HO
DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH,
JESUS!

18. The First Time I Saw Jerry

Warm-up Man:
THE FIRST TIME I SAW JERRY ON TV
I KNEW THAT THERE WAS HOPE FOR ME
WHEN I SAW HOW HE WORKED THE CROWD
I KNEW THAT HE COULD HELP ME OUT
BEFORE THAT I WAS EMPTY INSIDE
I HAD CONSIDERED SUICIDE
BUT NOW IM A VITALE MEMBER OF JERRY' S TEAM
BUT SOMETIMES I WONDER HOW MUCH HE VALUES ME?

Jerry:
What the fuck is that idiot warm-up man doing out there? He' s turning the crowd into a mob. You' re right he' s gotta go.

19. Backstage scène

Warm-up Man: Jerry:
HEY JERRY
WHAT CAN I SAY MAN, TOUGH CROWD! Jonathan nice to see you
SORRY IF I LET THOSE ASSHOLES
GET A LITTLE TOO LOUD! Those assholes are my audience
JERRY DON' T BULLSHIT ME
YOU AND ME BOTH WE KNOW
THEY ARE SCUM
FILTHY COCKSUCKING SCUM! And you' re supposed to be controlling that scum and stopping them from upstaging the guests
PIMPS AND PERVERTS,
TEENAGE WHORES,
PEOPLE SO FAT
THEY GET STUCK IN REVOLVING DOORS! And we get them through those doors and on a plane to Chicago
Inner Valchory:
SLUTS AND FAGGOTS,
KEEPS EATING MAGGOTS!

Warm-up Man: Jerry:
We never had a maggot eating gimp on this show
Steve, maggot eating
gimp.
JERRY YOU COULD DO ANYTHING what are you talking about?
YOU COULD RUN FOR SENATE,
OR EVEN PRESIDENT hey, if I wanted my dick sucked I would call my agent
LOOKS LIKE YOUR CRUISIN,
PLAYIN IT SAFE you' re way out of line!
YOU NEED A CHALLENGE,
AND I GOT JUST THE THING
WANNA SEE A SWEAT
WHEN YOU' RE IN THE RING lets cut this short. You need help. Help, and a new job.
Thanks for this little chat.
And good luck in the warm-up
Industry.
OOOOOOO
SORRY FAGGOT IF I' M OUTTA LINE
SORRY IF I' M TAKING TOO MUCH OF YOUR TIME!
MISTER FUCKING BIGSHOT, SUNSHINES OUT HIS ASS,
TAKE YOUR JOB AND SHOVE IT!
IT' S BEEN SUCH A BLAST! Steve! Get this psycho outta here!
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU
I' M SO LONELY
That went well. Ya know,
when I was a younger man, I was passionate about civil rights, education, and the anti-war movement. I was the mayor of Cincinnati, and that' s the third largest city in Ohio. Then one day I went to a prostitute and paid her with a government check. The next day it was all over. There are only two things you have to know about politics. One, you' ll never get anywhere unless you have the courage to speak out for what you know is the truth. And two, somethings should always be paid for in cash. Where are my cards, where are my cards?

Audience:
JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
JERRY OH JERRY
JERRY OH JERRY
JERRY

Jerry:
Thank you welcome back. Now our final guest, please say
hello to Shawntel.

20. Poledancer

Audience:
FAT BITCH
FAT BITCH

Shawntel:
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SIT DOWN!

Audience:
DUMB HO!

Shawntel:
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SIT DOWN!

Audience:
DUMB HO!

Jerry:
Shawntel, you wanna be a poledancer?

Shawntel:
ALL MY LIFE, ALL MY LIFE
I' VE BEEN RUNNING AFTER OTHER PEOPLE
LOOKING AFTER THEM
CLEANING UP THEIR SHIT
NOW I WANNA FIND MY DREAMS AGAIN
Jerry:
What, in a strip club?

Shawntel: Audience:
BOG EYED LOSER STRIP SLUT
BOG EYED LOSER STRIP SLUT
TALK TO THE ASS STRIP SLUT
TALK TO THE ASS STRIP SLUT

Jerry:
Shawntel, Shawntel. I can see that you have a lot of
natural talent, I can also see that you' re married. Now,
what does your husband think?

Shawntel:
I DUNNO, WE DON' T TALK

Jerry:
Well lets bring him out and find out. Please say hello to
Chucky.

Chucky: Audience:
HILLBILLY HILLBILLY
Hey you, dirty fuck girl, SMELLS LIKE A PIG FEET
Hey I say I' m talkin to you! HILLBILLY HILLYBILLY
FEET!

Chucky: Shawntel:
PUT YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES ON
YOU STUPID BITCH DON' T YOU TOUCH ME
PUT YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES ON
YOU STUPID BITCH OR I' LL KILL YOU IN YOU
PUT YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES ON SLEEP
YOU STUPID BITCH COCKSUCKER
TALK TO THE ASS
YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS TALK TO THE ASS
YOU LOOKS RIDICULOUS!

Jerry:
Chucky, I sense that you' re not too thrilled about
Shawntel' s pole dancing dreams.

Chucky: Shawntel:
SHE LOOKS LIKE A CLOWN
SHE LOOKS LIKE A SLUT HE DON' T KNOW SHIT
HE NEVER SAW ME DANCE
BUT HE WATCHES OTHER WOMEN
DANCE EVERY NIGHT
WITH HIS BUDDIES
Jerry:
Well, lets see her dancing. We have a pole, we have some
Music. Shawntel, lets go.

21. I Just Wanna Dance

Audience:
DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE
DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE
STRIP SLUT
SHAKE THAT BOOTY
STRIP SLUT
SHAKE THAT BOOTY
STRIP SLUT

Shawntel:
I DON' T GIVE A FUCK NO MORE
IF PEOPLE THINK I AM A WHORE
I JUST WANNA DANCE
OH I JUST WANNA DANCE
THINGS ARE GOING BAD FOR ME
I AM FEELING SAD FOR ME
SO I JUST WANNA DANCE
OH I JUST WANNA DANCE
IM TIRED OF LAUGHING
AND IM TIRED OF CRYING
IM TIRED OF FAILING
AND IM TIRED OF ALL THIS TRYING
I WANNA DO SOME LIVING
CUZ I' VE DONE ENOUGH DYING
I JUST WANNA DANCE
I JUST WANNA FUCKING DANCE!
OH DANCE!
DANCE!

Audience:
TIRED OF LAUGHING
SHES TIRED OF CRYING
SHES TIRED OF FAILING
AND SHES TIRED OF ALL THIS TRYING
SHE WANTS TO DO SOME LIVING
CUZ SHES DONE ENOUGH DYING
SHE JUST WANTS TO DANCE
SHE JUST WANTS TO FUCKING DANCE
DANCE
SHE JUST WANTS TO FUCKING
DANCE
DANCE
SHE JUST WANTS TO FUCKING,

Jerry:
Thank you Shawntel. Thank you. but we have another guest
who' s not too happy about your choice of career. Your
mother, Irene.

21. It Has No Name

Irene: Shawntel:
IT HAS NO NAME
IT IS A WHORE
IT HAS NO NAME MAMA
IT IS A WHORE MAMA
IT WILL BURN MAMA
IT WILL FRY MAMA
YOU' RE JUST A SACK OF MISERY
EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH,
TURNS TO CANCER
HOPE YOU DIE,
SLOW WITH PAIN
SWIMMIN AROUND YOUR UGLY ASS
YOUR SKANKY SOREY ASS
AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH

Jerry:
Welcome to the show Irene. I, I sense some hostility
towards your daughter.

23. Some Are Descended From Angels

Irene: Shawntel:
SOME ARE DESCENDED FROM ANGELS
OTHERS ARE DESCENDED FROM APES
SOME ARE THE RESULT OF ROMANTIC LOVE
OTHERS THE RESULT OF RAPE
WELL I WISH SHE' D DIE THAT BIRD
AND I WISH YOU' D DIE THAT BIRD TOO

Jerry:
Well, at least you agree on one thing. Now Chucky, how do you fit into all of this?

Chucky:
IF SHE DON' T STOP
I' LL FIND ME ANOTHER WOMAN

Shawntel:
WATCHU GONNA DO?
BUY HER OR DRUG HER?

Chucky:
GONNA GET ME SOMETHING
TO REPLACE HER TAINTED SAGGY OLD SKIN

Shawntel:
GOOD, GOOD!
I' M TIRED OF YOUR LITTLE DICK FLESH
IT' S SO SMALL I GET MORE PLEASURE FROM FUCKING MYSELF
WITH MY OWN CLITORIS!

Chucky:
ALL WOMEN ARE WHORES
WHORES OR SLUTS OR PROSTITUTES

Shawntel:
YOU DON' T KNOW SHIT
YOU DON' T KNOW SHIT
HE JUST A
IN PRE THREE NIPPLE COUSIN FUCKER
IN PRE THREE NIPPLE COUSIN FUCKER
(THREE NIPPLE COUSIN FUCK)
IN PRE THREE NIPPLE COUSIN FUCKER
THREE NIPPLE COUSIN FUCK
THREE NIPPLE COUSIN FUCK
THREE NIPPLE COUSIN FUCKER!

Jerry:
Okay. So Chucky, so you' re the innocent one here?

Chucky:
(laughs) I AINT EASY, BUT I' M HONEST

Jerry:
So no secrets then?

Chucky:
I LIKE FLOWERS MORE THEN PEOPLE
NO JERRY

Jerry:
Well that' s interesting cuz we' ve been following you
With our secret camera the Jerrycam. And to be honest,
We were a little surprised with what we saw.

24.Jerrycam

Audience/Jerrycamers:
HE CAME HE SAW HE JERRYCAM
HE CAME HE SAW HE JERRYCAM
FINI FINTI JERRYCAM
FINI FINTI JERRYCAM
AN ALL HONEST JERRYCAM
BENEDICT TO STAIRY FUCKING:

Jerry:
BRING ON THE KLAN

Audience:
BRING ON THE FUCKING CLAN

Men:
BRING ON THE KLAN

Audience:
NO NOT A FUCKING KLAN
NO NOT A FUCKING KLAN!

Jerry:
Well I guess it would be rude not to. So please welcome
The Ku Klux Klan.

25. Ku Klux Klan Entrance/Act One Finale

Klan:
THIS IS OUR JERRY SPRINGER MOMENT
WE DON' T WANT THIS MOMENT TO DIE
SO DIP US IN CHOCOLATE
AND THROW US TO THE LESBIANS
WE DON' T WANT THIS MOMENT TO DIE!
JEWS AND BLACKS ALL GO TO HELL!
NEW YORK DEMOCRATS AS WELL!
WE DON' T WANT THIS MOMENT TO
DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!
DIE! DIE!

Jerry:
We' re running out of time. My final thought:

All:
DIE!

(Gun shot)

Jerry:
I' ve been shot. I' m confused. Why would I get shot?

Act II, Purgatory

1. Gloomy Nurses

Jerry: Chorus:
AHHHHHHHHH:
AHHHHHHHHH:
AHHHHH:AHHH:
AHHHH:AHHHH:AHH:
AHH:AHH:
Wow. That' s some medication
They got me on. JERRY JERRY,
JERRY JERRY,
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY,
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY,
JERRY OH JERRY JERRY
Are you sure that' s mine,
I never eat sweet corn.
AHHHHHHHH:
Steve great to see you. You
Never let me down. But you
Didn' t take that bullet.
Just kidding.
JERRY JERRY,
JERRY JERRY,
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
JERRY OH JERRY JERRY
Steve, how cool is this.
Singing nurses, giant cigars
That look like my own moving
Chair.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Is there something wrong here?

2. Purgatory Dawning

Jerry:
Visitors! Hope they brought me some grapes.

3. Eat Excrete

Chorus:
WE EAT EXCRETE AND WATCH TV
AND YOU ARE THERE FOR US JERRY
JERRY CAN YOU UNDERSTAND?
IS IT OUT IN NOWHERE LAND?
WANTING AND YEARNING,
OF BLOATED SUMMER STERNING
EAT EXCRETE AND WATCH TV YOU ARE THERE FOR US JERRY:

Jerry:
Steve, let me get this straight. You eat excrete?

Chorus:
AND WATCH TV

Jerry:
But I am there for you?

Chorus:
JERRY

Jerry:
Steve, what are they saying exactly?

Chorus:
JERRY IT' S NOT DIFFICULT,
THEY ARE SIMPLY SAYING,
THAT THEY EAT EXCRETE AND WATCH TV
AND YOU ARE THERE FOR THEM
JERRY:

Jerry:
That' s nice. I really appreciate you guys taking the time out of your day to come by. I never knew I had so many friends. So how' s it going with you guys?

Chorus:
TO BE FRANK,
PITIFUL

Jerry:
Hey, I can sympathize. Ratings so low I got a class act pending, not to mention this bullet wound in the chest:

Chorus:
COME AND SEE
COME AND SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE,
TO ME:

Jerry:
Steve, this sounds like lawyer talk don' t say anything.

4. The Haunting

Shawntel:
ONE DAY YOU' RE SEVENTEEN,
SEVENTEEN, SEVENTEEN
THEN JUST BEFORE YOU' RE EIGHTEEN,
EIGHTEEN
SUDDENLY, SUDDENLY
YOU REALIZE YOU' RE FIFTY SIX!

Jerry:
Fifty six? You got your whole life ahead of you, and you' re a good looking woman.

Shawntel:
HE WAS HANDSOME, HE WAS SMART
HE BETRAYED EVERY FRIEND,
HE BROKE EVERY HEART
AHH, AHH
BUT ONE DAY HE AWOKE TO A scène THAT MADE HIM HEAVE
HE' D BEEN DRUGED UP AND FUCKED,
BY SOME SAILORS ON LEAVE
SAILORS ON LEAVE,
HIRED AND PAID FOR BY ME!

Jerry:
You hired him a sailor Shawntel? Wow, all my wife ever got me was a reflexologist. You' re a lucky guy Chucky.

Chucky:
I CAME HOME FROM A TITTY BAR,
WHERE I' D SPENT ALL NIGHT
SHE COVERS ME WITH KEROSENE,
AND SETS ME FUCKING ALIGHT!

Jerry:
You set him alight? Your husband of fifteen years? Was it your anniversary?

Shawntel:
LIGHT OF MY LIFE,
FIRE OF MY LUNGS
LOVER AND LAUGHER AND DRINKER AND FRIEND
YOU STOLE MY DREAMS,
YOU BROKE MY JAW
BUT YOU SAID YOU WERE SORRY,
SO I CAME BACK FOR MORE

Chorus:
STUPID WHORE

Shawntel:
AHHH AHHH

Chorus:
CAME BACK FOR MORE
STUPID WHORE

Shawntel:
AHHH AHHH

Chorus:
CAME BACK FOR MORE
MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE
MORE:

Jerry:
If there is one thing that really sickens me its violence. Unless it' s on TV in a carefully controlled environment.

Tremont:
WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE,
IT COULD LAST FOREVER
BUT USUALLY IT LASTS ABOUT A MONTH
SO I SHOT MYSELF IN THE HEAD,
BUT I MISSED AND ENDED UP HALF DEAD
NOW THERE' S A HOLE WHERE MY BRAIN USED TO BE
I' M HOOKED TO A MONITER,
I FIND IT HARD TO PEE
I SLUR AND I DRIPPLE AND I LIVE ON MY DRIP FEED,
BUT I STILL CAN GET A HARD ON IF I JERK TILL I BLEED
JERK TILL I BLEED
JERK TILL I BLEED
JERK TILL I BLEED

Jerry:
Well at least something good came out of it.

Dwight:
I MADE LOVE TO A DYING MAN
I KNEW HE WAS DYING,
CUZ I WAS HOLDING A PILLOW,
OVER HIS FACE:

Jerry:
Steve, I think we should get the hell out of here.

Irene:
THERE IS ONLY ONE CURE FOR UNREQUITED LOVE
CHOCOLATE,
AND HOWLING AT THE MOON
OWWWOO

All:
OWWWOO OWWWOO
OWWWOO OWWWOO
OWWWOO
EAT EXCRETE AND WATCH TV EAT EXCRETE AND WATCH TV

Jerry:
Ya know, its been great catching up with you guys. You' ve taken some pretty hard knocks, but you know you gotta pick yourself up, dust yourselves off and have a magical day.

All:
BEHIND YOU BEHIND YOU BEHIND YOU:
EAT EXCRETE
EAT EXCRETE

Jerry:
What now?

All:
DEAD WOMAN WALKING
DEAD WOMAN WALKING

Jerry:
Baby Jane, you look like shit, what happened to you?

Baby Jane:
MAMA GIMME SMACK ON THE ASSHOLE
MAMA GIMME SMACK ON THE HEAD
BUT MAMA GIMME SMACK WITH A MONKEY WRENCH,
AND NOW I AM DEAD
AHHHHH AHHHHH

Jerry:
You know Steve, a broadcaster with less experience might feel responsible.

Baby Jane:
YOUR DREAMS TAKE PLACE IN MANHATTAN,
OURS TAKE PLACE IN MINNESOTA
YOUR DREAMS ARE DRIVEN IN A BENTLEY,
OURS IN A RUSTY SCODA
BIG DREAMS, AND SMALL DREAMS,
LIKE ALL DREAMS,
JUST STAY DREAMS
AHHHH AHHH AHH

Jerry:
This must be what guilt feels like.

Baby Jane:
THAT WAS MY JERRY SPRINGER MOMENT
I DIDN' T WANT THAT MOMENT TO DIE
SEEN ALL OVER THE PLANET
ON WORLDWIDE TV
EXCEPT DEVELOPING COUNTRIES,
AND GERMANY

Jerry:
I' ll never know why they didn' t take the show in Germany, don' t get me started.

Chorus:
OH HOW MY HEART ACHES FOR LOVE
ACHES FOR LOVE
OH HOW MY HEART ACHES FOR LOVE
ACHES FOR LOVE
OH HOW MY HEART, OH HOW MY HEART
OH HOW MY HEART, OH HOW MY HEAT
ACHES! ACHES! ACHES!

Jerry:
Let' s clear up a basic understanding right now. You all wanted to be on the show. You all had your fifteen seconds of fame. You all got to stay in a three star hotel, minus mini bar bills Chucky. You all had an all expenses paid trip to Chicago, remember that' s Chicago. The windy city, the city of wind! You all knew the risks, you all signed your disclaimers, so stop breaking my balls and get outta my:Steve, where the fuck are we?

Baby Jane:
JERRY, JERRY YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN

Jerry:
Chosen? Is that a good thing? Be more specific.

Baby Jane:
CHOSEN, CHOSEN

Jerry:
Chosen by whom, now stop fucking with me!

Chorus:
NO HE COMES!
NO HE COMES!
AHHHHHHH!

5. Him Am The Devil

Jerry:
Oh great, it' s that loser warm up guy Jonathan Wieress.

Chorus:
WRONG!
HIM AM THE DEVIL!

Satan:
OOH YES I' M EVIL!

Chorus:
HE AM NOT GOOD

Satan:
THE OPPOSITE IN FACT

Chorus:
IN FACT HIM A TOTAL CUNT

Satan:
ONE WAY OF PUTTING IT

Chorus:
HIM AT HAS TOTAL CUNT SHOULD,
WHAT A CUNT!
WHAT A CUNT!
WHAT A CUNTING, CUNTING, CUNTING, CUNTING CUNT!

Jerry:
You' re telling me you' re the devil?

Chorus:
YES!

Jerry:
It takes a little more then a red suit to be the devil. Steve, throw this psycho out of here.

Satan:
I DON' T THINK SO!

Chorus:
ANANANAA NOT IN ANANANAA NOT IN!

Jerry:
Okay maybe I was a little hasty with that firing thing.

6. Every Last Mother Fucker Should Go Down

Satan:
THAT IS OF NO CONCERN
THOUGH IT WAS NOT WHAT I DESERVED
I SIMPLY COME TO TAKE YOU DOWN,
TO HELL WHERE YOU WILL SERVE!

Jerry:
Woah, wait a second lets rewind here. I don' t want to serve in Hell. In this stage of my career that would be a sideways move.

Satan:
COME JERRY GOOD ULOINS
FOR WE MUST JOURNEY SOUTH OF HEAVEN,
STEP INTO THIS ELEVATOR,
AND SET A COURSE FOR THE BASEMENT LEVEL
FALL WITH ME

Chorus:
FALL WITH HIM

Jerry:
I got a table booked at the Ivory!

Satan:
IF YOU' RE PROUD AND YOU ARE TALL,
YOU ONLY GOT FURTHER TO FALL
LIKE THE APPLE ON THE TREE,
YOU' LL SOON SUCCOM TO GRAVITY
FALL WITH ME

Chorus:
FALL WITH HIM
AHHH AH AH AHH AHH AH AH!

Satan:
DOESN' T MATTER WHO YOU ARE,
PRINCE OR PAUPER,
KING OR CLOWN
THERE IS NO GREATER ACT OF LOVE,
THEN GOING DOWN
GOING DOWN WITH ME

Chorus:
GOING DOWN WITH HIM

Jerry:
I cant go to Hell, I' m Jewish!

Satan:
SURRENDER YOUR MODEL SOUL,
LET LIFE SWALLOW YOU UP WHOLE,
WIPE OFF THAT SUSPICIOUS FROWN,
CUZ BABY, WE ARE GONNA GO DOWN!
THE WHITE MAN!
THE BLACK MAN!
THE RED MAN GREEN MAN PINK MAN BAUGE MAN!
THE TAX MAN!
THE GAS MAN!
THE FAT MAN!
THE WEATHER MAN!
THE SNOWMAN!
THE DOOR MAN!
THE WOMAN MAN!
DOWN DOWN, DOWN DOWN, DOWN, DOWN DOWN!

Baby Jane:
WAIT, PRINCE OF DARKNESS
PUNISH HIM NOT
JERRY IS NOT TO BLAME
WITHOUT, WITHOUT JERRY' S SHOW
WE' D ALL END UP THE SAME
MEN AND WOMEN BLACK AND WHITE
TRANSEXUAL GIRLS AND BOYS
THE BAND AND CRIPPLES BLIND THE NAMED
DISTORTED, DISTORTED
FOR SOCITETY HAS AN UGLY FANS
CONTOURTED
SMEARED WITH SHIT
JERRY DID NOT MAKE IT SO
HE MEARLY HOLDS A MIRROR TO IT:

Jerry:
That' s right! What she said, I do the mirror thing. Tell him again, tell him again!

Satan:
THE WICKER MAN!
ELEPHANT MAN!
THE PILTOWN MAN!
THE BLAH BLAH MAN!
DOWN DOWN, DOWN DOWN, DOWN, DOWN DOWN!

All:
MAN WITH THE HAIR, MAN WITH THE SUN
MAN WITH THE KNIFE, MAN WITH THE GUN
MAN ON THE MOON, MAN OF THE FIRE
MAN WITH THE NEEDLE, SHOULD BE ON OUR SIDE
MAN OF THE FOOTBALL WITH THE BALL IN HIS HEAD
MAN OF THE WICKED WHO SHOULD BE DEAD
MAN WITH SIXTEEN SEVENTEEN WHITE
THE MAN WHO IS DAMNED FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE
HE GOES DOWN
ALL THE SHIT GOES DOWN
HE GOES DOWN
ALL THE SHIT GOES DOWN!
DOWN

Jerry:
Wait a minute, I' m confused here. What are you dragging me down to Hell for? I don' t deserve this. I' m not a bad guy. I mean, I just got lucky. Jesus, is that a sin?

Chorus:
NO!

Jerry:
Ya see, they agree.

Satan:
I TAKE YOU TO HELL TO SOLVE A PROBLEM,
THAT' S BEEN CHAPING MY ASS,
SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME
SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME

Jerry:
You got the wrong guy! I don' t solve problems, I just televise them. What do ya want from me?

Satan:
WANT YOU TO DO A SHOW FOR ME

Jerry:
Wait a minute. You want me to do a show for you? The devil in Hell? Are you kidding, I have an assuasive contract with Studios USA. They have a building full of lawyers. You' d have to talk to the head of the company, but he' s not here right now.

Chorus:
YES HE IS, YES HE IS!

Satan and Chorus:
SHOW BUISNESS,
RAZZLE DAZZLE, RAZZLE DAZZLE
SHOW BUISNESS

Satan:
DO YOUR GREATEST SHOW FOR ME,
TURN CHAOS INTO HARMONY

Jerry:
And if I refuse?

7. Grilled and Roasted

Chorus:
FOR ALL ETERNITY
YOU WILL BE, YOU WILL BE:

Satan:
FIRED AND FLAM BAYED,
BAKE AND SAUTEED
STEAMED AND STEWED,
BARBEQUED
GRILLED AND ROASTED
LIGHTLY TOASTED

All:
AND, AND, AND, AND:

Jerry:
And what?

All:
FUCKED UP THE ASS WITH BARBED WIRE!

Jerry:
Okay that' s the downside. What' s the upside? If I do this, what do I get?

All:
NOT GETTING ASS FUCKED WITH BARBED WIRE!

Jerry:
What are the hours?

Act III, Hell

8. Transition Music

All:
JERRY' S GOING TO HELL,
HOT ENOUGH FOR YA? HOT ENOUGH FOR YA?
JERRY' S GOING TO HELL
HELL
HELL
HELL
HOT ENOUGH FOR YA?
HOT ENOUGH FOR YA?
HOT ENOUGH FOR YA?
HOT ENOUGH FOR YA?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Baby Jane:
WOMEN AND DEVILS
INCUPY AND SUCUBY
AND PRINCES AND PRINCESS OF HELL
WELCOME FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY
OR PERHAPS FOR ALL ETERNITY
IS BIGGER THEN THE PLANET EARTH
BIGGER THEN THE BIGGEST BIG
BIGGY BIGGY BIGGY BIG
BIGGY BIGGY BIGGY BIGGY BIG!
HERE HE COMES!
HERE HE COMES!

All:
ALL HONEST JERRY
TELL YOUR DOOR OF BIGGY BIG
ALL HONEST JERRY
TELL YOUR DOOR OF BIGGY JERRY BIG
BIG!

Jerry:
This all feels strangely familiar. Baby Jane, what am I supposed to do?

All:
JUST READ THE CARDS!

Jerry:
Hello. And welcome to a very special edition of the Jerry Springer Show. That' s me, that' s my show! Ya know from time in memorial, Heaven and Hell have been at war. But is there a way of reconciling the irreconcilable and give both parties a sense of closure and a chance to move, oh hold on! I don' t do, never have done, never will do conflict resolution!

All:
THEN YOU WILL FRY!

Jerry:
Please welcome my first guest. The Prince of Darkness, Satan.

Audience:
SATAN SATAN
SATAN SATAN
SATAN SATAN, SATAN SATAN
SATAN SATAN, SATAN SATAN
SA:

9.Once in Happy Realms of Light

Satan:
ONCE IN HAPPY REALMS OF LIGHT,
IS WAS TRANSENENTAL
GOLDEN AND BRIGHT
MMMM BRIGHT
MMMM
BUT I REBELED AND WAS CAST DOWN
FORCED TO SURRENDER MY CELESTIAL CROWN
OH MY CROWN OH!
THEN GOD HURLED ME FROM THE SKIES,
NOT MERCIFUL ENOUGH TO LET ME DIE!
LET ME DIE!
CONFOUNDED, IMMORTAL LIE
PARADISE LOST AND PAIN
ETERNAL
PAIN ETERNAL

Jerry:
You seem upset. What is it exactly that you want?

Satan:
WANT IT TO BE JUST LIKE OLD TIMES,
WITH BABY JESUS BY MY SIDE
I WANT MY OLD WINGS BACK AS WELL,
WANNA GET OUT OF THIS DUMB CALLED HELL
BUT FIRST, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,
I WANT A FUCKING APOLOGY!

Audience:
APOLOGY!

Jerry:
Apology! You instigated a Ku-Day-Ta against God in Heaven. You came down to Earth, led mankind into a whole world of shit. And you want me to get the good guys to apologize to you? Are you out of your mind? How in Hell am I supposed to do that?

Audience:
JUST READ THE CARDS!

Jerry:
This is your handwriting I guess. So lets see if we can get an apology from my first guest. The hypocrite son of the fascist tyranttyrant on high, Jesus of Nazareth?

Audience:
JESUS, JESUS WHAT THE FUCK?
COMING HERE, PUSH HIS LUCK
MAKE HIM WEAR A THORNY CROWN,
GRAB HIS PANTS AND PULL THEM DOWN

Jesus:
OLD FRIEND, OLD FOE
I MISSED YOU

Jerry:
Jesus, what a beautiful moment. Jesus, Satan has something he wants to tell you. Go ahead Satan.

10. Fuck You Talk

Satan: Jesus:
FUUU::
::FUUU TAL::
: :
FUCK YOU!
TALK TO THE STIGMATA!
ALWAYS HAS TO HAVE THE LAST WORD
THAT' S RIGHT!

Audience:
APAULING GOD
APAULING GOD
:
JESUS:
IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN SIT DOWN
IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN SIT DOWN ON YOUR ASS!

Jerry:
Jesus, give me a minute. Satan, what are you doing, you' re making the situation worse. Jesus has flown a long way to be here. This is not his neighborhood. Show him a little courtesy.

11. Satan and Jesus Spat

Satan:
SO HE TURNS THE WATER INTO WINE,
OOO!
SO HE WALKED ACROSS THE FRIGGEN SEAS,
OOO!
SO YOU GOT YOURSELF CRUCIFIED,
HERES A LITTLE BISCUIT FROM ME:

Jesus:
I AM JESUS,
SON OF MAN, SON OF MARY,
SON OF GOD
SO DO NOT, DO NOT,
DO NOT FUCK WITH ME!

Audience:
OO SCARED!

Jesus:
I DO NOT WANT YOUR BISCUIT!
I WANT YOUR LOVE,
AND YOUR RESPECT
FOR I AM LOVE AND I LOVE ALL MANKIND:

Audience:
JESUS IS DEAD
JESUS IS DEAD
JE YOU ARE DEAD,
JE YOU ARE DEAD

Jesus:
ACTUALLY, I AM A BIT GAY

Audience:
JE YOU ARE DEAD
JE YOU ARE DEAD
JE YOU ARE DEAD
JE YOU ARE DEAD

Jerry:
Satan, between you and me, if you want to achieve something here, you and your people need to work with me on this.

Audience:
JUST READ THE CARDS!

Jerry:
Jesus, you call yourself Jesus but you' re not worthy of the name, oh who wrote this shit?

Audience:
THE CARDS!

Jerry:
Lets meet two other guests who also have to an apology from Jesus he was fashioned from a lump of clay and she showed kindness to a snake. The mother and father of humanity, Adam and Eve.

12. Adam and Eve and Mary

Adam: Eve:
PUT YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES ON,
YOU STUPID BITCH DON' T YOU TOUCH ME
PUT YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES ON,
YOU STUPID BITCH OR I' LL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP,
PUT YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES ON,
YOU STUPID BITCH COCKSUCKER,
TALK TO THE ASS!
YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS TALK TO THE ASS!
SHE LOOKS RIDICULOUS!

Jerry: Welcome to the show. How' s the relationship going?

Adam: Eve:
ALL WOMEN ARE WHORES,
WHORES OR SLUTS OR PROSTITUES
HE DON' T KNOW SHIT,
HE DON' T KNOW SHIT,
HE' S JUST A PIECE OF
SHUT IT SHIT
SLUT GIMP
WHATEVER!

Jerry:
Putting your personal grievances aside, what is it that you' d like to say to Jesus?

Eve:
FOR ONE LITTLE APPLE:

Jerry:
Don' t talk to me, talk to Jesus.

Eve: Adam: Jesus:
FOR ONE LITTLE APPLE,
ON A LITTLE TREE
WE GET A LIFE OF GRIEF
AND MISERY SHE MADE ME DO IT,
MADE ME DO IT
YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE AND YOU BLEW IT
FORBIDDEN FRUIT FORBIDDEN FRUIT
BUT VEGETABLES ALLOWED
ONE LITTLE APPLE GODS PLAN
JUST A LITTLE APPLE GODS PLAN
ONE LITTLE APPLE SHE MADE ME DO IT GODS PLAN
JUST A LITTLE APPLE MADE ME DO IT GODS PLAN
ONE LITTLE APPLE SHE MADE ME DO IT GODS PLAN
JUST A LITTLE APPLE MADE ME DO IT GODS PLAN
ONE LITTLE APPLE SHE MADE ME DO IT GODS PLAN
JUST A LITTLE APPLE MADE ME DO IT GODS PLAN

Audience:
WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCKING, FUCKING FUCK?

Jerry:
Oh that' s just great Jesus, you hit a woman. I think you ought to apologize to her.

Jesus: Satan:
YOU FOLLOWED THE WAY
OF AMBITION AND VANITY
BUT IT WAS ME
WHO HAD TO REDEEM HUMANITY
YOU' RE SUFFERING NOW,
BUT YOU DIDN' T GIVE A TOSS
WHEN I WAS CRYING OUT,
CRYING OUT,
CRYING OUT ON THE CROSS!
ON THE CROSS!
ON THE CROSS: ALWAYS WITH THE CRUCIFICTION
:CROSS: WHATEVER
:CROSS: THAT WAS 2000 YEARS AGO
:CROSS: INSTEAD OF BANGING ON ABOUT IT
:CROSS: WHY CANT YOU GET OVER IT
:CROSS: AND GIVE US ALL A FUCKING BREAK!

Satan:
ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT GET OVER IT

Jerry:
I' m trying to get on with it. I' m trying to get you your apology, this is an impossible situation!

All:
FUCKED UP THE ASS WITH BARBED WIRE!

Jerry:
I' m not gonna read this card, there' s no point.

All:
BARBED WIRE!

Jerry:
Well Satan, we have a surprise guest, who' d like to give her version of events. Please welcome the teenage mother of Jesus, Mary.

Audience:
RAPED BY AN ANGEL
RAPED BY AN ANGEL
RAPED BY AN ANGEL
RAPED BY GOD

Mary:
AHHH:
:HHH:
: :

Jerry:
What exactly are you saying here?

13. Where Were You?

Mary:
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS ON MY OWN?
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THEY ROLLED THE STONE?
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GROWNING OLD?
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS SICK AND COLD?
WHERE, WHERE, WHERE WERE YOU?
WHERE, WHERE, WHERE WERE YOU?

Satan:
JESUS WASN' T THERE HE DIDN' T CARE

Eve:
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THE CHILDREN CRIED?

Adam:
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THE CHILDREN DIED?

Jesus:
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS CRUCIFIED?
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THEY PIERCED MY SIDE?

All four: Satan:
WHERE, WHERE, WHERE WERE YOU?
WHERE, WHERE, WHERE WERE YOU?
WHERE WHERE WHERE WHERE WHERE WHERE DOESN' T KNOW DIDN' T SHOW
WHERE WHERE WHERE WHERE WHERE WHERE DOESN' T SHARE DOESN' T CARE!

All:
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN HE GOT FLEAS?
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN HE LOST HIS KEYS?
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN HER PANTS DON' T FIT?
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THE CONDOM SPLIT?

Jerry:
Is it me?

All:
WHEN THE CONDOM SPLIT?

Jerry:
Somebody help me out!

All:
WHEN THE CONDOM SPLIT?

Jerry:
You really gotta help me out here, I don' t know what to do!

All:
WE' RE TIRED OF LAUGHING
AND WE' RE TIRED OF CRYING
WE' RE TIRED OF FAILING,
AND WE' RE TIRED OF ALL THIS TRYING
WE WANT TO DO SOME LIVING,
CUZ WE' VE DONE ENOUGH DYING
SO COME ON JERRY SPRINGER,
AND JUST READ THE FUCKING CARDS
CARDS
JUST READ THE FUCKING CARDS
JUST READ THE FUCKING CARDS!

Jerry:
I don' t have anymore cards!

Satan:
WELL NEITHER DO I!

Jerry:
I tried to get you your apology. This isn' t fair, it' s a set up. There' s no way of solving this short of a miracle!

14. Behold God

Angels and God:
BEHOLD GOD

All:
WE ARE BEHOLDING HIM

Angels and God:
BEHOLD GOD

All:
WE ARE BEHOLDING HIM

Angels:
BEHOLD HIM MORE!

All:
WHAT?

Angels:
BEHOLD HIM MORE!

Jerry:
God? Thank God! Thank God you' re here!

15. It Ain' t Easy Being Me Part 1

God: Audience:
IT AINT EASY BEING ME
IT SO AINT EASY BEING ME
BILLIONS OF VOICES,
MAKING ALL THE WRONG CHOICES
THEN TURNING ROUND AND BLAMING ME
I TELL YOU
IT AINT EASY BEING ME
IT AINT! IT AINT EASY BEING HIM
IT AINT! IT SO AINT EASY BEING HIM
SO EASY:! BILLIONS OF VOICES,
MAKING ALL THE WRONG CHOICES
IT AINT EASY BEING ME!

Jerry:
God, God. You weren' t on Satan' s list of guests, why are you here? What do you want?

God: Audience:
SIT IN HEAVEN BESIDE ME
HOLD MY HAND AND GUIDE ME
CUZ IT AINT EASY BEING ME
IN FACT ITS DIFFICULT!

Jerry:
Sit in Heaven beside you? Hold your hand and guide you? That' s a no brainier! I' m your man! And Satan, you can take that barbed wire and shove it up your own ass!

Satan: God:
BACK INTO YOUR SKY
JERRY STAYS HERE TO FRY!
HES MINE!
I DON' T THINK SO
I DON' T THINK SO HES MINE!
I DON' T THINK SO
I DON' T THINK SO
HES MINE, HES MINE HES MINE, HES MINE
I DON' T THINK SO I DON' T THINK SO
I DON' T THINK SO I DON' T THINK SO
I DON' T THINK SO!
All:
MINE!
SAVE US JERRY SAVE US JERRY!
MINE!

Jerry:
Steve! Do something!

All:
SEIZE THE DAY AND DIE JERRY
DIE JERRY DIE JERRY DIE!

Jerry:
Anyone! Help!

All:
SERVE JERRY
SERVE JERRY
SERVE JERRY
SERVE JERRY
SERVE JERRY
SERVE JERRY
SOON YOU' RE GONNA FRY!
SOON YOU' RE GONNA FRY!

Jerry:
Hang on a minute! At least give me one chance to sort this out.

16. It Ain' t Easy Being Me Part 2

Jerry:
I have a dream. I have a dream where everyone here turns to their neighbor. And shakes them by the hand. And says ya know, you' re not such a bad guy. Why don' t you come on over, my wife' s making meatloaf!

All:
SERVE JERRY
SERVE JERRY

Jerry:
Wait! At least give me a second chance to sort this out. Four score and seven years ago, our founding fathers brought forth upon this continent, a new nation conceived in liberty! Conceived in freedom!

All:
AND:

Jerry:
And:other abstract concepts like smell!

All:
SERVE JERRY
SERVE JERRY

Jerry:
Ahhhhhhh wait, wait, wait, wait! At least give me a third chance to work this out. I just want to say one thing to everybody here today. Please, please don' t kill me please!

All:
SERVE JERRY
SERVE JERRY

Jerry:
Oh! What the heck! Go ahead, burn me if it makes you happy. See if I care. You' re never gonna agree about everything. And what' s so bad about that? Satan, you' re never going to get your apology. And God, you just don' t get a shoulder to cry on. And Jesus, grow up for Christ' s sake and put some fucking clothes on. Haven' t you people heard of yin and yang? Love and hate, attraction, repulsion. It' s the human sake we are talking about here. Energy is pure delight, nothing is wrong, nothing is right. And everything that lives is holy. And in conclusion, fuck you. Fuck you all.

17. Marriage of Heaven and Hell

All:
OHH JERRY SAYS THAT THIS IS HOLY
AND THIS IS RIGHT
WE STAND TOGETHER JOINED,
JOINED IN LIGHT!
ENERGY IS PURE DELIGHT
NOTHING IS WRONG AND NOTHING IS RIGHT
ENERGY IS PURE DELIGHT
NOTHING IS WRONG AND NOTHING IS RIGHT
LET POETS THROUGH THE AGES TELL
HOW SPRINGER UNITED HEAVEN AND HELL!

Jerry:
What did I say?

18. This is my Cheesy Jerry Springer Moment

All:
THIS IS HIS JERRRY SPRINGER MOMENT
HIM DON' T WANT HIM MOMENT TO DIE
SO DIP HIM IN CHOCOLATE
AND THROW HIM TO THE LESBIANS,
HIM DON' T WANT HIS MOMENT TO DIE!
AHHHHH!
THIS IS HIS JERRY SPRINGER MOMENT!
OOO!
HIM DON' T WANT HIM MOMENT TO DIE!
SO DIP HIM IN CHOCOLATE,
AND THROW HIM TO THE LESBIANS
HIM DON' T WANT HIM MOMENT
HIM DON' T WANT HIM MOMENT
HIM DON' T WANT HIM,
HIM DON' T WANT HIM,
HIM DON' T, HIM DON' T,
HIM DON' T, HIM DON' T,

19. Jerry it is Finished

Baby Jane:
JERRY IT IS FINISHED

Jerry:
Sorry?

Baby Jane:
YOU' RE FREE

Jerry:
Say what?

Baby Jane:
FREE

Jerry:
Ya know, I like it here in Hell. I think I' m gonna stay. I' m not confused here. For the first time every, I' m not confused about anything anymore.

Baby Jane:
GOODBYE JER

20. Jerry' s Elesion

Baby Jane:
JERRY ELESION
JERRY ELESION
JERRY ELESION
JERRY ELESION
JERRY' S ELESION
ELESION

21. Please Don' t Die

Jerry:
I' ve been shot. Why would I get shot?

Audience:
PLEASE DON' T DIE JERRY

Jerry:
You shot me in the chest, why would you shoot me in the chest after all I' ve achieved?

Audience:
PLEASE DON' T DIE JERRY

Jerry:
Accidentally shot by a man in a diaper trying to kill a member of the Ku Klux Klan. That' s not the epic death I was hoping for. Still, it might not look bad in Latin.

Audience: Jerry:
WHO WILL SPEAK FOR US? What do you mean?
WHEN YOU ARE GONE Oh, you got plenty of people.
You got Oprah Winfrey.
SHES TOO TAME Sally Jessie Rafael?
SHES TOO OLD Doctor Phil?
HES TOO SHIT Ricky Lake?
I GUESS SHES OKAY Ah, if you don' t mind I think I' ll try
To get to the hospital.
WAIT JERRY
FINAL THOUGHT Firstly, I' d like to add my name to the
List of celebrities calling for tighter
Gun control. Secondly, it' s been a hell
Of a day. I' ve learned that there are no
Absolutes between good and evil, and
That we all live in this glorious state
Of flux. What can I say? You' re not
Looking at a dying man here, you' re
Looking at yourselves. In a matter of
Months, a few years, whatever. And for
Better or for worse, history defines us,
What we do, and what we choose not to Do.

Hopefully, what survives of us is love. So, until next time, take care of
Yourselves, and each other.

22. Take Care

All:
TA:
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES
AND EACH OTHER
AND EACH OTHER
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES
AND EACH OTHER
AND EACH OTHER
AND YOURSELVES
AND EACH OTHER
TAKE CARE OF
YOURSELVES
YOURSELVES
AND EACH OTHER
AND EACH OTHER
TAKE CARE
OF YOUR
SELVES
AND EACH OTHER
TAKE CARE
OF EACH OTHER
TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER
TAKE CARE
TAKE CARE
OF
YOURSELVES
TAKE CARE OF
EACH OTHER
EACH OTHER
EACH OTHER
EACH OTHER
EACH OTHER
TAKE CARE OF
TAKE CARE OF
YOURSELVES AND EACH OTHER
CARE!
IT AINT EASY BEING ME
IT SO AINT EASY BEING ME
BILLIONS OF VOICES
MAKING ALL THE WRONG CHOICES
THEN TURNING ROUND AND BLAMING ME
I TELL YA
IT AINT EASY BEING
JE:
:E:
JERRY
I 'VE BEEN SEEING SOMEONE ELSE
I 'VE BEEN SEEING SOMEONE ELSE

23. Martin' s Richard-esque Finale de Grand Fromage

Various people:
COME AND SEE
JERRY JERRY
COME AND SEE
JERRY
COME AND SEE
JERRY JERRY
COME AND SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE
COME AND SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE
JERRY!

All:
IT AINT EASY BEING ME
IT SO AINT EASY BEING ME
BILLIONS OF VOICES MAKING ALL THE WRONG CHOICES
THEN TURNING ROUND AND BLAMING ME
ME ME I TELL YA
IT AINT EASY BEING ME!
MAMA GIMME SMACK ON THE ASSHOLE!
MAMA GIMME SMACK EVERY NIGHT!
MAMA GIMME SMACK ON THE ASSHOLE!
EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT!
HAVE YOURSELVES A GOOD TIME
OOOOOO WE JUST WANNA DANCE
OOOOOO WE JUST WANNA DANCE
OOOOOO WE JUST WANNA DANCE
OOOOOO WE JUST WANNA DANCE
TALK TO THE HAND
TALK TO THE HAND
TALK TO THE HAND
TALK TO THE HAND
TALK TO THE HAND (CUZ THE FACE AINT LISTENING)
TALK TO THE HAND (CUZ THE FACE AINT LISTENING)
TALK TO THE HAND (CUZ THE FACE AINT LISTENING)
TALK TO THE HAND (CUZ THE FACE AINT LISTENING)
IM A MAN
IM A MAN
IM A MAN
TALK TO THE HAND (CUZ THE FACE AINT LISTENING)
TALK TO THE HAND (CUZ THE FACE AINT LISTENING)
TALK TO THE HAND (CUZ THE FACE AINT LISTENING)
TALK TO THE HAND (CUZ THE FACE AINT LISTENING)
HA HA HA TALK!
TO THE!
TALK TO THE!
HAND!
TALK!
TO THE!
TALK TO THE!
HAND!
WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKING FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKING FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKING FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK
THREE NIPPLE COUSIN FUCKER
WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK
THREE NIPPLE COUSIN FUCKER
WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK
THREE NIPPLE COUSIN FUCKER
THREE NIPPLE COUSIN FUCKER
THREE NIPPLE COUSIN FUCKER
THREE NIPPLE COUSIN FUCKER
WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK
THREE NIPPLE COUSIN FUCKER
WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK
THREE NIPPLE COUSIN FUCKER
WHAT THE FUCK
THREE NIPPLE
WHAT THE FUCK
COUSIN FUCKER
WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK
WE JUST WANNA DANCE!
WHAT?
WE JUST WANNA DANCE!
WHAT?
WE JUST WANNA, WE JUST WANNA
WE JUST WANNA FUCKING DANCE!
THIS IS OUR JERRY SPRINGER MOMENT
WE DON' T WANT THIS MOMENT TO DIE
DIE DIE DIE OO DIE
SO DIP US,
WHY DON' T YOU DIP US IN CHOCOLATE,
CHO CHO CHO CHOCOLATE,
AND THROW US,
TO THE LESBIANS,
LESBIANS
WE DON' T WANT THIS MOMENT
MOMENT
MOMENT
MOMENT
MOMENT
MOMENT
MOMENT
MOMENT
MOMENT:
TO:
DIE!